Happy Weight

I was reading an article in Self magazine on-line and it had a calculator to calculate your "Happy Weight". So being overly self conscious about my weight I jumped on it. I entered my height (5' 4"), age (39, in February), how many times I work out (I put 3 days a week as I used to do 5 and am currently not doing any) and frame (medium). Then Calculate.

135

135? What? Wait I am currently at 135 and not working out and eating generally what I want (trying not to over-indulge in the Holiday goodies). So why am I not happy? I really had to think hard about this. It all came down to, no matter how much I say I want to eat healthy, exercise to be healthy and not rely on the scale, I want to be 120lb again. It kills me (I'm almost crying here) to think that I can't get back down to 120. I want to be happy. I try to convince myself that my Photography make me happy and that when I work out I am happy and that even with working out less I'm happy. But I'm not. It makes me sad to say I want to be 120 again, but it also makes me sad that I may never be able to be 120 again. It's like I've lost my youth, I'll never be young again. Yet, I feel like if I can overcome this weight issue, a huge weight will be lifted from me. How can this be? This is such a strange and hard crossroads I have come to and I don't know what to do. I mean I know what I should do which is accept that 135 is OK and beautiful, but my mind says no. I have to be 120 and fit into that bikini.

I have turned this over every which way in my head and have come around to one conclusion. My 39th birthday will be the hardest for me. I think the weight issue has more to do with getting older than I thought. As I approach 39 (I know it's not 40, but close enough) I see my body changing more and more for the worse, which makes me sad. Yet I see how I have found other things in life that make me happy and I need to find the joy in those things because I have passed up too many joys in life because I had to work out or I was on a diet. This shift is going to be very difficult for me to accept even though I know it's for the better. I have to accept that I might not be 120 again, but I can still look hot (by maintaining a fit body). And there are more things to life than being skinny.

Taking a Holiday

I have no clue what day it is and I just can't seem to keep up with this blog right now with all the Holiday crap fun.

Well I have to admit I have given up with watching my weight and exercise till the beginning of the year. DH said I need a break anyway (maybe he's right, how can that be?). I can't seem to keep up with, full time job, 365 project (photo project), cooking, cleaning, shopping, wrapping, etc. Wow! That does look like a lot. OK so I have decided I will not force myself to work out and I will enjoy the Holiday goodies. I did step on the scale Monday and yes I have gained, but I should be able to enjoy the Holiday like everyone else, right? Well, I guess that includes gaining weight (like everyone else). I'm actually OK with this (can't believe I said this). I'm tired of not doing things because "I have to work out" that night" or eating out because "It will ruin my diet". I'm tired of always being on a diet!

OK, I'm not totally giving up. I am still trying to make better decisions about food (I didn't eat the donuts in the office today) and I'm still mentally counting some calories (Last night I didn't eat a hamburger bun for a snack because I knew I was going to eat popcorn later).

So, I plan on starting this blog back up at the beginning of the year. I am going to list my measurements and weight and I'm going to make me a visual chart. I am not going to work out everyday (no human can possibly have a life and do this). I will strive to work out every other day and try to eat healthier. AND not deprive myself of the occasional cookie, chocolate bar or brownie.

I will CHANGE my diet NOT diet!

Day 5 Why did I step on the scale?

Sorry I missed Day 4, way too busy with Christmas shopping, work and binging.

So I decided to step on the scale this morning. How bad could it be? I haven't weighed myself in about a week, I couldn't have gained that much, right? Right? I closed my eyes, stepped onto the scale and held my breath. I slowly opened my eyes and looked down. GASP! I had gained 3 pounds since last weigh in! How could this be?? How can I gain 3 pounds in a week? Was it really just a week ago I weighed myself or was that a falsification to make myself feel better? Who needed a scale anyway right? Aren't we suppose to judge our weight by how our clothes fit? (Come to think about it my paints at the Christmas party were a little tight and yesterday as I was trying on a shirt my muffin top was showing)

WHAM! I think reality just hit me in the face. I thought I wasn't going to be on a diet during the Holidays, turns out I was on a See food diet (I know bad joke).

Looking back on the last few days it appears I haven't over eaten, but ate very poorly. I had consumed quite a few empty calories, but really hadn't consumed that much food. Let's look at yesterday.

Breakfast: Frosted doughnut
Snack: Cherry tomatoes
Snack: 2 hershey minatures
Snack: 2 hand fulls of peanuts
Lunch: Salad with, tomatoes, banana peppers and blue cheese dressing
Dinner: Chick-Fil-A chicken salad sandwich, 2 waffle fries (gave the rest to Tori)
Snack: Cheddar cheese, 2 diet hot chocolates with Coconut Rum (Don't knock it till you try it).

Doesn't look all that bad. Right? Well I did my best to add it up and came up with over 1700 calories. Which doesn't sound too bad, but I really think it was much higher than that. I slathered my salad with Blue cheese dressing and estimated it at 400 calories, but I think it was much worse. Also, I didn't work out yesterday or the day before so 2 X marks for me.

The bottom line is my pants are too tight, I weighed 134 on the scale and I am making poor food choices.

How do I expect not to gain any weight during the Holidays if I can't get my eating habits under control??? It's just going to get worse. I go to my In-laws this weekend and then my Photo Club Christmas dinner on Monday, not to mention Christmas and New Years. ARRGGHHH!

OK, I have to calm down and take this one meal at a time.

I WILL eat what I like in small portions
I WILL make 2/3rd of my plate vegetables.
I WILL work out 5 days a week.
I WILL NOT pig out.
I WILL limit alcohol consumption

 I WILL BE HAPPY!

Day 4 Such a Pretty Fat

Food companies are so smart. They lure us with their pretty packaging and put them in convenient sizes. They know that when we walk down the shopping store aisles our eyes will be drawn to the boldest brightest colors. They also know what colors sell more. There is such a huge market for advertising. They also do their homework with research and studies to see if you'll reach for that blue colored chocolate bar or do you prefer the red. Millions (probably more) is spent on attracting your eye to their candy. So how can we help ourselves? How can we walk down the aisle and not be drawn to the bright orange Reese's Peanut Butter cups?

And it's not just the candy companies. Look at how Dunkin Donuts colors their icing and puts pretty sprinkles on top and the cereal companies have multicolored cereal.

We are constantly being bombarded with images on food packaging (or the food itself) in order to grab our attention and make us pick up that box of cookies or sugar loaded cereal. With all of this stacked against us it's a wonder were not all obese.

Day 3 What not to Wear

You ever watch that show "What not to Wear" and they show the before pictures....Sometimes I'm that girl. It's not that I don't know how to dress (I own so may fashion magazines I should know better). I think it's more complicated than that (After 3 days of blogs I'm getting the feeling I'm a pretty complicated person). I think it comes down to these problems:
1. All sizes are not created equal.
I mean really, I was trying on black pants at Cato. I tried on several different styles of size 6 and 8s and none of them fit right. And all the pants of the same size didn't fit the same, go figure???
2. Where do you find clothes for women in their 30s 40s (yes I'm pushing 40)?
In all the stores I go to the styles are either for teens (skinny jeans, small T-shirts, etc.) or old ladies (spandex stretch pants, big sweaters, poly shirts).
3. Clothes cost too much.
I try to be frugal and shop at TJ Max and Ross, but those clothes are there for a reason....No one wanted to pay full price for them. So I end up buying clothes that don't fit quite right or are just too young looking.

So....What to do, What to do?
I think it might come down to buying less clothes that cost more, that come from better quality stores :(

I guess more is not always better in the fashion world.

Day 2, Changed Perspective

Yesterday evening I went to my Work Christmas party. I ate more than I should :( But that's not what's on my mind.

While at the party there was this girl who got up on stage to do Karokee. I didn't know who she was, but she had the biggest most beautiful smile and was so bubbly and I just felt like she was the happiest girl in the room. BUT, she was at least 30lbs over weight. How can that be????  She also stuffed her self into a dress that was too small and too revealing, BUT she owned it. She walked around like she didn't care what others thought (in a good way) and that she loved herself. I asked myself why can't I be like that. Why can't I just own what I have and love it. This girl really had me confused. Should I just love what I have and not care that I have to buy the next jean size up? Should I be OK with the rolls that have formed around my waist?

I think the answer lies somewhere in between. I think that I need to spend less time trying to lose weight and spend more time learning how to eat better and exercise to stay healthy and strong AND to learn to love myself the way I am. I need to feel sexy in my own skin, in my own way.

This won't be easy.

Day 1 and I've already had my hands in a chip bag

Ok, I only had 1 chip, but it is before 8am. The chip bag was just lying there on the coffee table calling my name. Suzanne, don't you want a chip? They weren't even mine, they were Victoria's. But they were TGI Friday's Potato Skins Cheddar & Bacon (is your mouth watering yet?). I never had these before and man did they look good. So I had to have one.

The good thing is I only had 1 (Wow, I actually do have some will power).

Breakfast wasn't the most nutritious endeavor, but it was around 300 cals: 2 waffles, sugar free syrup, diet cranberry juice and hot chocolate. OK, had the Hot chocolate at like 7am, but I was cold and wanted some warm chocolate ecstasy.

Did I just call chocolate Ecstasy? Oh yes I did. This is one of mine and many others main problem with food. It feeds our senses. It has been compared to sex (I'll try to keep this PG 13). We all know this, but might not want to admit it. I've been told you have to think of food as fuel for the body and not to feed the emotions. Well, I think this is going to be a long struggle.

About time for me to work out. Gilead is my choice for today: Cuts & Curves. If I can't slim down maybe I can just keep my fat from jiggling :)